Dream a Little Dream of You
A Cat’s Guide to Finding Meaningful Work

A surprisingly high percentage of cats firmly believe that world peace is their problem. These sensitive souls sleep all day under a crippling psychological weight.

But this masochistic approach is totally unnecessary. Taking on the world’s problems will only bring on feelings of inadequacy, and, before long, deep-seated feline depression. And depression is a dangerous disease in the feline world, because it makes you want to sleep all the time. Who’s going to notice anything new in this behaviour - let alone recognise it as a symptom of a serious disease? Your condition could go untreated for years.

But depression has another, more sinister consequence: performance anxiety. A depressed cat is going to have some serious problems come mating season. This could spell disaster for your reputation. We all know that an unsuccessful mating season is certain social suicide.

You can avoid this risky social outcome by remembering that cats are not here to fix the world. If we work, it’s simply because we want to. Let’s face it, we’re on the earth for two principal reasons: to eat and sleep. If we achieve anything else, it’s nothing short of a miracle.

And when you’re no longer responsible for world peace, you’re truly free. Free to choose work that reflects your true nature, and free to relish every moment of mating season.

So how do you find the work that will fully express your inner cat? Your true calling will be revealed in your answers to the following mystical questions:

1. What could motivate you to stay awake for more than ten minutes?
2. Are you a “people-cat”? Or do you prefer working with other cats?
3. If you only had eight lives left, how would you spend them?

Delving this deeply into your psyche is going to take some time. Spend a few months stretched out in the sun, pondering the answers to these timeless questions. During this monastic period of introspection, it’s essential not to pressure yourself. If all this soul searching produces nothing but a feeling of deep relaxation and a fascinating series of dreams, don’t panic. Simply go with Plan B.

Plan B involves changing careers whenever the whim takes you, until you discover the perfect job purely by chance. Remember the governing law of the feline workplace: you always have the right to change your mind - even when you’re already on your way to work. This key workplace principle means that you’re free to go back to bed at any time.

This week’s feature career is a favourite with those enlightened cats who have gracefully accepted that working for a living is certainly not compulsory.

What cat wouldn’t jump at the chance of an “all you can eat” lifestyle? A wildly popular feline career choice, this job lets you focus on food 24/7. And if anyone should accuse you of being obsessed with food, you can look hurt and say self-righteously, “But I’m a Glutton”. It’s foolproof.

Fergus, a Persian with big fur and an appetite to match, reports that this job has so many benefits, he has been officially diagnosed as a workaholic. He says, “by becoming a Glutton, you make a commitment to eating anything and everything you can get your paws on. Extra dinners. Your friends’ dinners. Even snacks from the dog’s bowl. And my pedigree background means I have unusually thick fur. So when jealous colleagues comment on my ever expanding waistline, I just remind them that I’m a career Glutton. And anyway, I’m not fat – I’m just extra furry”.

As you would expect, being an expert on nutrition has significant advantages. You have a permanent excuse for being the first to sample the latest catfood fads as they hit the market. And your humans are now morally obliged to buy you a variety of sumptuous gourmet dinners. As a respected food industry authority, it’s essential to maintain an up-to-the-minute knowledge of your field.

When your humans notice that the catfood budget has exploded, try to explain the facts of your vocational choice to them. But keep it simple enough for them to understand. Tell them gently that you’re a professional Glutton. It’s what you do.

The next time you wind up in a job you hate, check your supplies of self-motivation. Can’t find them anywhere? Have a quick fossick in your litter tray. There they are.

But find a job that brings you joy, and the world is your rodent.

To uncover your dream-job, you must be crystal clear on what’s important to you. Get in touch with your personal values by catching several rodents over the course of a week. Stockpile them under your human’s bed, and embark on a solitary retreat of the soul. From the depths of this tranquil mental space you will discover your highest aspirations and core purpose. It’s also a great opportunity to catch up on lost sleep.

You will emerge from under the bed a whole new cat. Filled to the brim with self-knowledge, you’ll instinctively know which career will get you rolling slowly out of your human’s bed each evening.

The key to sustaining this high level of self-motivation is to be aware of the benefits of your chosen vocation. It must offer significant gains. If you can’t think of several hundred off the top of your head, don’t even think about turning up for work. Gather more rodents and head back under the bed for another bout of soul-searching.

Aside from remembering what’s in it for you, there are a million other ways to stay motivated on the job. Take a good, hard look at your workplace. Does it inspire you? Is it honey-combed with private little nooks for power napping? Is it warm and quiet, with an abundant supply of blankets? And more importantly, is it human-free?

Then there’s the nature of the job itself. If you work at a catfood factory, for example, it may be the daily food-sampling tasks that make you feel it’s all worthwhile. Or, when your current job is clearly just a stepping-stone to something better, try to keep your ultimate goal in mind. This can really help your attitude as you clock on at the beginning of a seemingly endless two-hour shift. By staying focused on why you’re working rather than sleeping, you keep your levels of enthusiasm optimal. Or at least out of the litter tray.

This week we profile a job that could transform the most unmotivated cat in the world into an over-achieving workaholic.

Job of the Week : Fast Food Thief

Your prime objective in this job is to grab as much of your human’s take-out as you can get your paws on. The beauty of this career choice is that you can talk about your glamorous job at feline gatherings without having to work more than once a week. You only have to actually raise a paw when your humans bring home fried chicken or Chinese.

Humphrey, sushi connoisseur and long-term owner of two humans, is a committed Fast Food Thief. Exasperated by an unrelenting diet of store-brand catfood, he literally leaped at the opportunity to expand his culinary horizons.

He talks about how he got his break in the industry: “I fell into this fascinating career by accident, really. One evening my humans were unusually late home. It was way past my dinner time and I was pacing the apartment in a state of advanced starvation. When they finally graced me with their presence, it was clear why they were so late: they had picked up take-out. The smell! It quite overwhelmed me. While the humans wandered off to uncork alcohol, I had what I call my Fast Food Vision.

“There, lying unguarded on the coffee-table, was a feast of deep fried fish, loosely wrapped in flimsy paper. Well, I wasted no time in beginning what has become a very successful career in the Fast Food industry. There are only two down-sides to the job: the risk of burning your mouth on hot grease, and having to escape the wrath of furious and hungry humans.”

Stealing fast food from your humans requires lightning-fast response times and a measure of ingenuity. You will need to be flexible, and willing to grasp saturated-fat opportunities as they unfold. If your humans arrive home with that sweet-smelling bounty one evening when you’ve already stolen another cat’s dinner, too bad.

Hungry or not, you must relish the challenge of ripping through that greasy wrapping any time, any place. Your reputation in the industry is at stake.