Job
of the Week : Collar Model
If you have pedigree breeding, or are
just devastatingly good-looking, it may be your calling
to become a Collar Model. Essential prerequisites include
an insatiable need for attention, and a heightened awareness
of your own beauty. You must have advanced grooming
skills, and be able to create the effect of flawless
fur.
Aphrodite, a self-involved Burmese with
piercing blue eyes and a razor-sharp bone structure,
was “discovered” one morning on her way
to dance class. She remembers, “I was two hours
late for class because I’d spent practically the
whole morning pestering my human to brush my fur properly.
In my flustered state, I was only checking my reflection
in every SECOND shop window. Imagine my horror when
I found that one of my whiskers was ever-so-slightly
crooked.
“Well, naturally, I sat down to
begin a thorough, top-to-toe grooming session, just
to be sure no fur was out of place. I was so utterly
engrossed in my own beauty that I didn’t even
notice the modelling agent staring at me. She convinced
me to skip my dance class, and have some test shots
taken. Now, of course, I’m a household name. I
do miss snacking throughout the day and having a large
litter of kittens every spring, but these are sacrifices
I’m willing to make”.
Being a Collar Model offers a rare opportunity
to make posing a full-time career, rather than a part-time
hobby. But be prepared to deal with the fans. Consider
hiring some security to protect yourself from admiring
members of the feline public. As your fame spreads,
you will be fielding propositions from passing strays
on a daily basis. Groupies are, unfortunately, part
and parcel of this career choice.
To survive in the glamorous feline modelling
world, you must have enormous personal reserves of conceit.
You will need to base your entire identity on an unwavering
belief in your own loveliness. And be warned: Collar
Modelling is a very difficult field to break into.
After all, have you ever seen an unattractive
cat?
Finding
a Job Without Really Looking
A Cat’s Guide to Networking
If their job search does not produce
instant and earth-shattering success, many cats secretly
conclude that the world is against them.
After your first experience of rejection,
you may quickly abandon all hope of ever finding a job
worth mentioning at parties. Feeling vulnerable for
the first time since kittenhood, you might even start
missing your human whenever he’s insensitive enough
to leave you alone.
But the prospect of becoming co-dependent
with your human is beyond embarassing.
There’s a simple solution to the
problem of feline unemployment. You may have a wealth
of experience and excellent references, but there’s
one technique that can fast-track your career more quickly
than flashing your pedigree papers as proof of superior
breeding.
All you need are feline contacts.
By becoming an active member of a feline
network, you stand on the banks of a river of information.
The only hard part is staying awake long enough to scoop
out an appealing opportunity as it floats by.
The fast-paced world of feline careers
changes from minute to minute. That tabby up the street
may resign his lucrative position as a Catfood Taster,
to spend more time with a demanding partner. Or your
fluffy white neighbour may have an epiphany, and discover
after an hour’s bitter experience that she is
not at all suited to being a career cat. Effective networking
puts you in touch with such breaking developments -
and leads you directly to the jobs worth stealing.
There are many ways to network. Calling
on your friends individually is a personal way of staying
in touch with the buzz - and there’s always the
potential to surreptitiously snack from their bowls
in the process.
A recent feline study proves that networking
in your sleep is 90% as effective as doing it for real.
The time-management advantages of “subconscious
networking” are considerable; by sleeping and
networking at the same time, you fit more into your
day. Now you can snooze, and let your higher cat contact
those cats you WOULD connect with if you had the time.
Ambitious cats have been known to network subconsciously
for up to 10 hours straight.
Feline networking means that the entire
neighbourhood is working on your job-hunt for you. How
better to find a dream job without really looking?
Sophisticated networking skills are
essential selection criteria in this week’s feature
career.
Job
of the Week : Intelligence Officer
Intelligence Officers are, in fact,
specialist Information Managers. They are responsible
for all information exchange in their assigned territory.
Using devious sources to access the latest news, they
then transmit this vital information throughout the
community using an extensive network of informants.
Griswald, father of thirty five, has
been an Intelligence Officer for several weeks. A naturally
gregarious and interfering cat, Griswald loves his chosen
career, and finds a deep sense of job satisfaction in
having a foolproof excuse for knowing the business of
everyone in his neighbourhood.
Griswald discusses the essence of his
job: “All too often, cats are taken completely
by surprise when new developments unfold in their vicinity.
You may wake up one day and find you have new neighbours
who let their slavering Dobermans roam free in their
backyard - which used to be your domain. Or the local
pet shop may have just received a litter of new kittens,
which means it’s only a matter of time before
a number of unnervingly cute strangers infiltrate the
community”.
Intelligence gathering is a particularly
rewarding job for compulsive gossips who need regular
social contact, and are looking for a way to legitimise
discussing the private affairs of all the local cats.
The job also offers many opportunities for meeting cats
of the opposite sex. That stunning but aloof Siamese
will no longer be out of your reach. As an Intelligence
Officer, you’re quite within your rights to strut
up to her in an official capacity and ask her an intrusive
and overly personal question. Your new authoritative
air can only enhance your erotic appeal.
