Ask any cat how she feels about setting goals.

Chances are she’ll reply that goal-setting ranks up there with a session at the vet clinic - both experiences are thoroughly unpleasant, and to be strenuously avoided. (Although only one involves a humiliating experience with a thermometer.)

Unfortunately, most cats have no evidence to support such an unflattering comparison. 99% of cats have never sat down and written a list of long and short-term goals. And why not? Simply because to these cats, goal-setting looks suspiciously like hard work.

This is good news for the ambitious cat. The widespread, paranoid fear of making an effort means that your competitors will be avoiding goal-setting like it’s the cat ‘flu.

Which gives you an immediate advantage in the cut-throat world of the feline job marketplace.

If you think about it, you’re already setting goals all day long, no matter what you currently do for a living. Humans think they invented the concept, but goal-setting has been rampant in the feline kingdom for much longer. From the minute you open your eyes in the late afternoon, to the time you close them wearily half an hour later, you’re planning how best to spend those precious minutes before your next nap commitment.

There’s a lot to fit in, after all. You’ll need to eat a couple times, terrorise the kitten next door, and reassure your needy human that her can-opening skills are still valued.

Many cats fear being asked about their goals in a job interview. But goal-related questions are the simplest questions to field. After all, in the feline world, there are simply no wrong answers.

If your potential new boss asks you to list your short-term goals, you need only reply, “I want your job”. This answer proves you’re a go-getter with ambition and drive. And, if you’re asked during an interview where you expect to be in five years, the most professional answer is: “asleep”. Your credibility is assured. You’ll probably be offered the job before the interview is over.

Like sleeping soundly right in front of a blaring stereo, goal-setting gets easier with practice. This week, we profile a career that lets you practice on someone else. And who could need your skills more than the neighbour’s dog?

Job of the Week : Dog Trainer

If you live anywhere near a dog, chances are you’ve already started him on an intense training programme. You might as well get credit for all that hard work you’re putting in. When passing dogs growl at you for being interfering and bossy, simply retort sharply that you’re a professional Dog Trainer - and you’re in the middle of a lesson.

Jezebel is a tortiseshell with a background in assertiveness training and a healthy disdain for the canine species. She has been a Dog Trainer ever since the humans next door came home one day with a German Shepherd puppy. She immediately began a highly disciplined training regime, to establish her dominance over the dog from day one.

Jezebel talks about the nature of the job: “as a professional Dog Trainer, your prime objective is to instruct your canine pupil in the superiority of the feline race. Bear in mind you’re never dealing with a gigantic IQ, so it’s best to keep things simple, and teach by example.

“Show him your sophisticated conversational skills, your acrobatic prowess, and the full range of your musical scale. By the end of each lesson, he will be straining against his leash and slobbering in his eagerness to access more of your wisdom. But remember that it’s very easy to overstimulate dogs, and their undignified expressions of enthusiasm do take some getting used to”.

When training your dog, don’t waste time on useless commands like “sit” and “stay”. His owners will have seen to that. It can be amusing, however, to see how many silly tricks he has already been taught. “Roll over” and “shake hands” are generally perceived to be the most humiliating commands in the canine universe, so it’s certainly worth asking for a demonstration of his skills in these areas.

Just remember that this career choice brings with it a rather dangerous occupational hazard. Before you fall off the fence laughing during a lesson, check to make sure that your excitable student is securely chained up.

It’s Not Easy Being Perfect
A Cat’s Guide to Dealing With Rejection

Ten out of ten cats have never experienced rejection. It is such an utterly alien experience that we have few - if any - ways of coping with a powerful blow to the ego.

Our vulnerability can be traced to the innate perfection of the feline species. We’re used to praise, attention and slavish devotion from our doting humans. Normally, the main form of competition in the life of a cat is the television, and occasionally the phone. Hardly threatening.

But in the harsher reality of the feline job market, rejection is, unfortunately, a commonplace experience. When you start competing WITH OTHER CATS for jobs, everything changes. Because each rival cat is an individual example of perfection, there can be no guarantees of triumph.

As long as perfection is as common as store brand catfood in the feline kingdom, rejection will be a part of the job-hunting process.

The best way to minimise your risk of exposure to this trauma is to apply only for those jobs you’re 100% likely to get. If a friend of the family has tipped you off about an opening on the local rodent hunting team, for example, that’s a pretty safe bet.

But without access to this kind of nepotism, you’re at much greater risk. The only solution is extensive therapy. Go to great pains to avoid entering the open job market, and throw yourself into a course of self-esteem therapy instead. Treating yourself to a rodent meal in your human’s bed, or stretching out for a nap on the newspaper before your human has read it, are both effective self-esteem treatments.

But what if rejection strikes - BEFORE you’re out of therapy?

Under these horrifying circumstances, you must immediately cancel all commitments, and take the rest of the year off. This recovery process may delay your career development by several months, but that’s hardly relevant when the health of your ego is at risk. Go somewhere warm with a good nightlife scene, and write it off as a tax deduction.

This week’s feature career offers a wonderful opportunity for honing your skills at surviving rejection. Although your ego will take a beating in this job, the rewards are great for those cats blessed with persistence, determination and a strong libido.

Job of the Week : Lothario

Lotharios are in hot demand during the mating season, and it’s no wonder that this has been called the perfect holiday job. This career will suit felines of a sleazy disposition, who are not offended by having cat-flaps continually slammed in their faces.

Maximilian is an experienced Lothario, with an exaggerated swagger and straggly orange neck fur he refers to as a mane. Max has worked in the field for more mating seasons than he can remember. Although he reports that he finds the job rather exhausting, he is dedicated to his work, and continues to practice his craft in the off-season. He claims this kind of commitment keeps his flirtation skills current and his fitness levels optimal.

Max says, “A friend of mine was already working in the industry and we got to talking one night over a few catnips. His description of the work really spoke to me. I’d always dreamed of having a job where instead of “good morning, sir”, you get to say “hey, beautiful, how’s it going?”. I guess being a Lothario must be my calling, because it sure doesn’t feel like work to me!”.

When managed correctly, this career choice can provide so much job satisfaction that many cats stick with it well beyond a decent retirement age. It’s important to develop an extensive repertoire of pick-up lines, and practice them until they roll off your tongue convincingly. Confidence is everything in this game: as a professional Lothario, you must be able to leer, ogle and strut with style.

To reach the top in this competitive arena, you will need to be more well-groomed than the average tomcat. Curb any antisocial habits that may repel potential clients. Spraying the boundaries of your territory, for example, should no longer be done in public.

Like any feline career, the job comes with some hazards. Female cats are notoriously choosy, and your pride WILL be battered with brutal regularity (watch out for the pedigree ladies – they’re often the most savage).